I made it, just barely, but I made it. Made this post before the two year mark. If you are asking where the time went, joing the club. Alot went on in the last two years and sitting here thinking about it makes me wonder if I made good use of my time with your time, with your brother’s time. I hope in the end I did.  So what exactally has gone on in the last two years. Well for starters, it has become apparent that you are too smart for your own good. You are five and at times I think I am living with a fifthteen year old. I never thought a woman was capable of giving birth to a teen-ager, but please, let the record show that it has occurred. You use words like ‘responsibility’ and ‘finances.’ You memorize complete books and songs in no time and then randomly sing or read them to Dwight or some other stuff animal or Barbie. You already know sight words, (mom thing) and addition problems (dad thing) and you are not even in Kindergarden. Over the last two years you have grown into a sweet, smart beautiful little girl with a personality all of her own, eager to learn, please and love. You have made huge strides in swimming as you and your brother saw the ocean for the first time this summer. What a wonderful time it was seeing you both laugh in excitement as the waves came toward us as we jump over each one. A memeory that God blessed me with remember just now. The look on both of your faces and smiles so big…..humbling to know that I was able to share it with you. I look so forward to many many more of those moments.

You have completed your first year of pre-school and getting ready to start Kindergarden. You are so exceited to start in the coming week. I on the other am not. I am hesitant about all of it. I nervous what your school will be like, your teacher, other kids, bigger kids, mean kids. I am apprehensive about what you will learn and the way in which you will learn it. I am skeptical of what you will be exposed and how it will influence you and yes I am fearful that it will change you. You are the sweetest little girl and I really do wish there was a place called Neverland where you could stay exactly they way you are right now. ‘Course I know that isn’t possible but a dad can dream right. I suppose these are natural feelings that most dads think about, but I have to remember that I am not in control of any of this. ‘This’ being anything and everything. God is in control of it all and has a plan for you, like he does from me, like he does for Levi and that plan will be seen through if you will trust and follow His word and guideance. I know there is peace in knowing, in the grand scheme, you starting Kindergarden, is such a small thing to worry about, but I can’t help it at times and that peace comes when I leave it up God to handle.

There will be a lot things that you don’t understand as you go through your school years and I will do my very best to help you understand, some of them, your mom will to help you navigate, but I will be there right along with you and her. One thing I want you to remember is who you are and don’t change those good qualities of what makes you who you are. Now don’t forget about the previous post titled Change as the theme of that is changing when it makes you better, makes you more loving, understanding; change for the good. The point I want to make here is that not all people you will encounter will be loved or loving. People without love tend to result in very unhappy people. Some of these unhappy people can be changed by your love and kindness while other will take offense to your efforts and there will be no chaning them. Don’t let the fact that you are unable to change these people efffect how you love them and how you show them kindness. And in the end, there maybe nothing you can do.

Honestly Ava, I won’t lie to you, the word is a tough place and you are going to find it out one way or the other. I hope that you finding out happens many, many, many years from now and when you do find out, you’ll seek out God, me or your mom for anwsers and understanding. Don’t look to the girl or boy with the coolest clothes, or hair or fanciest car. Always remeber that your mom and I love you and want the best for you and there will be times you doubt that. Which is one reason why I am putting this down on digital paper, to show proof that yes we do despite what might have caused you to think otherwise. You are an amazing little girl and I miss you when I am not home. I am sorry that I have to be gone, but you are never far away. As you go through this next year, I will try and do better here. I think there will be more topics to cover and more occasions to remind you of who you are and the love that is around you.

I love you Ava. See you soon.

So it has been a year since my last post. Stellar performance on my part huh? I would like to think that doesn’t truly reflect my performance as a father. Good thing there are other benchmarks other than the number of times I post a message on a webpage that you are far too young to read. Clearly not a true representation of the times I think out you and who and how  you will be in 3 years, 7 years, 11 years, 17 years and so on.  I will tell that in the last year, despite what others may joke about, I have spent far too many days away from you and your brother. It is difficult each time, but I hope I make up for those days once I return and share the times that we have with one another. A lot of people I know my age, resent one of their parents for the amount of time they spent away from home. I hope it never comes to that with us as I work to find a balance between being a provider and a present father.

We have so much fun together you and I.

I don’t know how I was fortunate enough to be blessed to have you, your brother and you mom in my life. It hasn’t and won’t always be easy but it has already been an adventure full of excitement, laugher, and most importantly, love. If at any point you ever wonder if you made an impact in someone’s life, I hope you’ll think of your mom and I.  Your mom and I often look at each other at night, watchin you and your brother playing or sleeping and say to one another, ‘how in the world did the two us manage this’ and the bottom line is we didn’t manage anything. God blessed us with the two of you, making each of you special in your own right and uniqueness.  You and your brother filled a void in our lives and in our marriage that we didn’t even know existed. That will be hard for you to comprehend, but read that one more time. You and your bother filled a void in our lives and in our marriage that we didn’t even know existed.  You might wonder what the void was, well it was the innocence of youth. To me that means the innocence of love with out conditions, the humbling of pride that comes from doing those things that only make sense to parents, i.e., wiping poop out from under your fingernails ’cause you didn’t take your time and didn’t have a big enough wipe, or sharing a spoon full of cereal just before bed time, ’cause you say it like you haven’t eaten in days, or my personal favorite, when you ask how much money have I made for the amount of time I was gone for the day. It means being accountable to someone that depends on you for everything, physically, emotionally, financially and just about every other ‘ally’ you can think of. It means wherever you are  (wherever there is) be there. Don’ be distracted buy all the other noise of life. Be watchful for and keep close the moments that get etched into your memory of the innocence of youth.

So…what has happened in the last year…..well for starters your brother is already eating us out of house and home….at 18 months. The boy eats just about every meal as if it is his first and his last. You on the other hand, eat like it has already gone out style and is completely over rated. It’s like you think the earth is only capable of producing three major food items and those three consumables are enough to sustain a health diet. By the way these, three things are cinnamon toast, mac and cheese, and fruit pouches. Should I mention even the fruit pouches are hit and miss? Levi on the other hand, I have to knock the crushed pecan shells out of his hand and mouth to keep him from eating them. Crazy, funny, but crazy the differences between the two you. You are 29 pounds, dripping wet with a towel at 3 years while he is 31 pounds at 18 months even after a heavy BM, pants look like shorts on him, the two of you can share the same clothes size comfortably, to the point that your clothes often get mixed up with one another, you like neat and orderly, he likes to make a mess and doesn’t sweat it.

Thinking about the two you just now just makes me miss you even more.

So what am I getting at? What I am getting is that you are both different people that life, circumstance and experiences will shape differently, however, the point I really want to make is despite these differences, you are family, you share so much of the same ‘stuff’ and its that ‘stuff’ that I hope the two of you remember. You have two uncles, my two brother and we didn’t see eye on much when we were younger and there were plenty of arguments, shoves, punches and verbal assaults thrown at each other, but deep down we knew and still know that no matter what, if the other calls we will be there. I won’t lie to you and tell you that your bother won’t ever let you down, upset you, hold a grudge, or that you will do the same, but what I am telling you is that if you demonstrate to him that you love him, look out for him, listen to him, try to understand him, support him and encourage him, he will do the same and no matter who is standing with you, you won’t have to ask when times are tough, when you need help, an ear, or hand. It will just be there. I have no idea when you will read this, but this will be one of those lessons I drill home to the both of through out your childhood, teens and through adulthood because you can’t hear it enough.

One day, when you are both old enough, I will tell you about two other great men in my life, my brothers, because they deserve more than just a post.

I love you Ava…be sure to love your brother.

It has been too long since my last post. I know, a recurring theme. Seems the day turns to weeks, weeks turn to months faster than I can keep up. So clearly this is over due and over the course of the last 10 months there have been several topics that I knew would be perfect but that evaporated into the thin air. Hard to believe it has been 10 months and thinking about what you have already become. You are still that amazing little girl that brightens my day. I know that is cheesy but it is the truth.  It leaves me speechless sitting here thinking of you and the feeling I get when I come home and hear you heavy little feet running to the back door. You run to my arms with this huge smile, arms stretched out front. Some times you actually collapse on the floor laughing, waiting for me to tickle you. You’re two now and beginning to say several phrases and I would have to say my favorites are ‘I wove you’ and ‘I miss you.’ Talk about opening the flood gates of emotion every time I hear those words from you. Yes, Yes, I know, by the time you read this you’ll think it is silly and I am just being a dad, but I am telling you this Ava so that you know how much happiness you have brought into my life.

You are such a sweet little girl, well mannered, kind, eager to please and most importantly loving. You blindly love me, not even knowing my faults and the many mistakes I have made in my 35 years. You don’t hold a grudge, yet without even know it, you hold me accountable for the things I say and do. You love me unconditionally and you taught me what that really means. It is challenge to come up with the words that communicate what that feeling is like  and how to explain the impact you have already had on me. I spend a lot of time away from you, but know that you are never far from my thoughts. What you are doing, what you are learning, what you are dreaming, are you asking about me, do you miss me, the joy of your laughter and the sadness of hearing you cry.

It’s funny, as I sit here and write these for you, I think of us sitting down some where having ice cream, or sharing a burger, or taking a road trip and just talking. Talking about you and how you were when you were younger and how it was when you were growing up. I hope by the time  you look back and read this, you recall what a joy it was to have your mom and I as your parents and how much we loved you. How much we wanted you to have a great childhood and how many people you had around you that share so many laughs with you.

One of the people that you will inevitability share many laughs with is your brother. I would say little but writing this even now he is not that much littler than you. Perhaps that is what has taken up some of the time that I would find to write this for you. He is five months at this point and you are already telling him what is yours, never mind that he has no interest in it. Humorous to watch the two of you in the morning across from each other, and this is only the beginning. You two will share a lot over the course of both of your lifetimes; experiences, colds, vacations, toys, French fries, hugs from your mom and I, the couch on a Friday night, chores, memories, and so much more. You may not always share the same last name, but nothing will never change the DNA that you both share. There will be times that you can’t stand the site of each other but I hope that the both of you will never allow anything to drive a wedge between the two of you. Love your brother, look out for him, be patient, protect him, hug him, talk with him, share his interest, support him, share his defeat. When the time comes when your mom and I can’t be there, pick him up and tell him that it will all be ok. Don’t worry, I will be telling him this when the time comes to reciprocate this to you as well. Why do I tell you this, because you will need each other. When what seems like the end of it all, you need family and if you both listen to me, you’ll be comforted by each other and you’ll both know that despite it all, it will be ok. There will be few people in your life that will be able to do this and do it without expecting anything in return. Family.

I am eagerly awaiting the arrival of each day to see the two of you grow up together. I have spent a lot of time over the last 10 month behind a windshield and I think I just about have every weekend planned out from the time you both can walk and talk, til the time you’re, oh I don’t know, 36. It will be fun. And in between the fun times, there will be challenges, but you manage those challenges with the people that you love and love you.

I am sorry that it took me so long to get this one down on digital paper, I plan to do better, to find the time to put these thoughts together so that you’ll always know……

I love you Ava.

Change – to become different, to become altered or modified.

It has been 9 months since my last post, about 7-8 months too long. There has been so much happen in this amount of time and is why I chose the theme of this post to be change. It is the summer of 2015 and it marked a year of countless changes.  First and foremost you turned a year old. It is hard to believe the changes you have gone through is this blimp of a moment. You learned to walk which is nothing short of a miracle seeing it happen first hand. I can’t wait until you are old enough for me to show you the video. You spent months climbing up to the couch, smiling so big each time as if you conquered the world. You we so eager to get on the move and to keep up, but you were smart enough to know at that time the only way to do so was to crawl or be carried, often choosing the latter. I can’t blame you, I never minded, and still don’t. Then in a matter of days you went from flopping to walking, without skipping a beat, picking up everything you could get your hands on regardless of how much heavier, taller, or wider it was than you. It didn’t take long for you to pick up speed and fast forward several months and you are excited to chase and be chased. You are such a joy to have in our lives and we have already shared so many laughs with each other. We have watched you change mentally as well, still watching intently, observing and then imitating what you have seen. You are smart girl and if I don’t teach you well, that may get the best of both of us. You are such a sweet little girl and one thing that hasn’t changed is the time that I spend with you each night, putting you to sleep. To extend that time with you, I have taken on giving you a bath on more and more occasions. By the way, you have the most perplexed, annoyed and disgusted look on your face when you have wet hair wrapped around your hand. You would think it was toxic the way you study it and borderline panic to get it off. The time I spend with you reminds me of my responsibility to you, to love you, to care deeply for you, to provide for you, to teach you, and to guide you. I won’t always be there every night but I know that the nights I am will far out number the nights I won’t. There is something truly peaceful and calming about watching your child fall asleep to Amazing Grace.

In addition to seeing you change, your mom and I, through God’s doing, made some changes that allows us to take the next steps in our life. We sold the house you were brought home in. Don’t worry, we have plenty of pictures to show you of your first home and I am sure we will drive by from time to time. It wasn’t something that we had planned to do just yet but we felt the conditions were right and we were ready for the next stage. It was quick and stressful, preparing a home to be sold, the listing, offer, inspection, finding a new home that we would be happy having you spend the next couple of years in. God has taken care of us and we put our trust in him each day to provide what we need and when we need it. Sometimes it is not on our time table and that can be frustrating but as you go through life I hope I teach you enough to know that he knows better. At the beginning we had no idea how long it would take and where we would live, but in a matter of 30 days you were sleeping and soundly, in a different room, in a different neighborhood, in a different part of town.

In the next coming months you’ll begin to see changes in your mom. She will begin going through similar, if not the same changes that lead up to when you were born. You don’t know it yet, your mom thinks you can sense it already, but you are going to have a sibling. Some one you can play with, teach, and as your uncle would tell you, boss around. It will be challenging for us all and we’ll have to adapt to a new routine in just about every aspect of our daily lives. This will be another test for us in how we handle change. That’s the thing about Change, it happens for many different reasons, some voluntary and some not so voluntary. Some good, some bad. Some expected and some will take you by surprise. There are all kinds of cliches, songs and books about change and how to handle them, how to  initiate change, how to stop change, how to avoid change, what to change for and what not to change for, and so on and so forth. What is an undeniable fact is that as you go through life you will change, people change, and your environment will change. Some of these changes will be dramatic and very noticeable while others will be progressive, slight and hard to even recognize. While this post could go on for what seems like forever,  I will try and keep it short and to the point. I am sure there will be many discussions about the various changes you’ll experience in your life, discussions that will be face to face and not something you read, which I am hopeful you will always get a sense for the personal touch that I try to communicate through these thoughts of mine for you, even though I am not verbally delivering the message to you. I hope you look back at these when you are older and more than anything, come to realize, whether you have agreed with anything I have said or not, is that I love you and want so much for you. I have this deep emotion of caring for you, of not wanting to fail you……hard to explain and find the words. Before this spills into another post, back to why I decided to title this change. Life is going to demand that you change at some point. You’ll eventually find yourself at an intersection, and sometimes you won’t even know it, that you’ll have to make a decision about who you are, who you are becoming and who you want to be. We’ll talk about the other types of changes later but this one, I wanted to be the first. The change that is specific to you and who you are. It will take a while for you to figure it out, and that’s OK. And when you do figure it out, know that it is OK to change, but make sure it is for the right reasons and, above all, a change that makes you a better person. Change or the people you love and care about and not for the ones that can reciprocate that love to you. Society will tell you ‘be who your are, and nothing less’ or ‘ accept me for the way I am’ and I guess what I hope I am getting across is that you should be more than who you are, be open to identifying traits about yourself that need changing in order to be a better, more loving person to those you care about and those that care about you. Segments of society will attempt to teach you that there is nothing wrong with prideful, selfish thinking that is disguised as acceptance.

It is a fine line you’ll have to walk, but rely on God’s direction and you’ll know what to change for and for who. Just be ready and willing when the time or opportunity presents itself.

I love you Ava.

It has been a couple of months since my last post for your and one that I do as part of this process is to go back and read the last post, sometimes just to correct small grammar or spelling mistakes, but not to change the message or write a better way to say something. I want this to be my raw thought and expressions, a first and only one draft. While looking back and reading my last post, it is strange to think of how things were just a few months ago and how things have changed and will forever be changed.

In my last post I talked about my extended family and some of the memories of the holidays. Memories that I will share with you in person, to the point where you can quote them, I am sure.  Several weeks ago I lost one of those people that helped shape the memories of my childhood. Memories that I am very fond of and that will always make me laugh. Memories that help remind me of the good in this world and what family and holidays were always meant to be. My cousin, Landon died unexpectedly and even now when I think about it, I am still in shock. He was 35.He left behind a wonderful, hardworking, Christian family. He was the oldest of five children, and had two younger brothers and two sisters. He was fully of jokes and pranks, sarcasm and honesty. As I traveled to and from the funeral I couldn’t help but put myself in the shoes of his family and the pain that they were and will continue to go through. I can’t imagine not being able to call your uncles, my brothers.Next to your mom and my parents, they are the most important people in my life. Sure we haven’t always gotten along, but I have grow very proud of both them and could not and would not ask for two different brothers than I have. We have laughed a lot together, yelled at each other and cried together. They helped share one of the most happiest moments in my life, your birth. I love them very much. One thing that I hope for often is that they are a part of your life in a big way, so that when you look back at your childhood, you will remember them being around, going to their house for a holiday, bbq, or just because. They are amazing men in their own right and each has their own lesson to teach you. So when the time comes, listen, hug their neck, look in their eyes and smile. You will have the ability to impact their lives as much as they can for you. They are you blood, your family.

Your first Thanks Giving and Christmas have come and gone. So have many of your firsts over the last several months. In the last couple of months your mom and I have seen so many changes in you. Just a short couple of months ago you were sitting up great but not yet crawling. As if out of know where you got the crawling down and are now all over the place. It was so cool to watch as you began to really figure it out. You would get on all fours and then stick your butt in the air as if you were going to walk. You would get one knee in front of the other but that second one was a dead weight and you’d fall to your tummy. You would then turn, looking back at who ever was watching at the time, you’d sigh or grin and then try again. Over and over you would try to get down all the coordinating movements to make you a traveling baby. Then, out of no where, it click, you were off, first it was one full step, then three, then five, then off the blanket chasing whatever toy was drawing your attention. Like crawling it was amazing to see you learning things each day.

Over the holidays, you took your first road trip to the Texas panhandle. You experienced really cold weather for the first time, of course not the last. Of course you won’t be able to look back and say that you remember it but for me it was great to see you meet your extended family. Great uncles and aunts that have been waiting to see you since June. You were able to see your great grand parents and many of your second cousins. It was a very special time, you had no hesitation to interact with any one new, despite meeting family for the first time and being around such a crowd. I was so glad to have you there and to be apart of what my childhood Christmas was all about. From the road trip, to the cold weather, to the home made rolls, the sweet sound of your great grandmother, to the laughter of your cousins. I know there aren’t to many more of these left, and more than likely by the time you read this, your mom and I will have made new traditions for your childhood. One tradition that I hope we have is that your mom and I will tell you of our memories of Christmas and Thanks Giving as our parents did for us.

There is so much to tell you, so much I want to teach you. ‘Course I know I won’t get it all right, but I look forward to what each new day with you brings. I don’t think I will ever forget the first thing and the time I really notice that you were learning, actually learning. Not something that is instinctual but something you actually learned from observations. During a span of less than a week, you learning to wave, maybe not fully understand the meaning, or knowing full well when to execute it, but watching us do it you learned to return the hand gesture.  I know it was something little but perhaps it was God’s way of telling me that she is watching, learning, absorbing what I do, what I say, how I act. It was a perfect reminder to be that Godly man that I am commanded to be. As time goes on, I have taken bigger steps to be that man, that father that you deserve. I will never finish the process but my hope is that you will see through my words and actions that grace and peace that comes from only knowing Jesus Christ. It will be a tough road and one that I am committed to, to make sure that I provide you with the right tools to recognize the evil that will tug at your heart.

One thing I know that is the farthest from evil is your laugh. At times it doesn’t take much and brings a huge smile to my face. If nothing else happens in my life, I want you to know that you have already brought so much happiness to it in the last seven months, you have honestly brought joy to my life each day. You have the ability to disperse all my frustration and stress just buy watching you react to me walking through the door. I hope that never changes.

You are special little girl and I am glad that your mine and a product of two people that love each other.

Here I am, a week or so late in post in this. Time has begin to really pick up and fly by as you begin to show new signs of a hidden personality that is slowly fighting through the baby fat. You are talking more and more each day, although it is a very strange language that no one can really understand but we all like to think we do cause we come up with what we think you are thinking and would actually say. Course we will never know what you are thinking, it could be visions of hundreds of floating bottles and nipples full of milk that seem to be just out of your reach. Despite not being able to tell what you are thinking or attempting to get across, one thing is certain, you smile a lot and that has a universal meaning, happiness. You are a happy baby, quick to smile at an unusual sound or gesture, or the same ol’ sound you dad makes for you each day. It is so great to see you grow from one day to the next, you are an amazing and beautiful little girl.

So, all in a day’s work. A cliche that you will probably hear time and time again throughout your life and probably even say a time or two. Most of time it’s a reference to the amount of work that can be crammed into the amount of time available. It is often spoken after completing a difficult or challenge task that requires more than the usual amount of physical or mental strength. Perhaps a simpler way to describe when this is used is at the beginning of the task the words ‘man this is going to take forever,’ or ‘there is no way I am going to be able to finish this,’ is uttered to oneself.

What I have recently realized is that it isn’t just about all the work that is accomplished in a day’s work but instead so much more. It is about the inner you, not giving up until the job is finished, setting a goal and seeing it through. It is the gratification of rising to the challenge and making it look easy. When it comes down to it, it is about the journey to find that hidden fuel tank filled with motivation and determination to continue on and each time you are faced with a challenge, it will be easier to tap into that tank and push through. You know you have got down that journey and found that tank when you catch yourself saying ‘if I can do that, then I can do this,’ or ‘ this is nothing compared to when.’

All in day’s work is also about the people that are there along side you, working toward a coming goal. What you are really doing is a making a memory with that person or group of people that you will recall from time to time. Sure, not all them will be great or pleasant. To be honest, there will be some that you would down right rather erase from your memory altogether and while these have a place in life (they will provide a different type of fuel), they are not the ones I am talking about. Moments in time come and go so quickly that many of us don’t stop and think about what all took place in that moment and the impact it could have or should have on us in the future.  It is about creating a memory with people that begins to define you or them. It creates opportunity to become closer to others by conversing, and finding that there is more to that individual and commonalities among yourselves that perhaps you didn’t notice before. There will be times you are so caught up in ‘just getting it done’ that you miss out on some great things. Basically what it boils down to is at the end, to stop and think and appreciate the time you were given to do the work and the positives of being able to do the work. Trust me, there will always something that you can take away from, maybe a lesson, or funny phase you will tell later. Maybe it will be enhancing a skill or the memory of standing in the rain on a hot summer day, or maybe developing a life long relationship with someone.

Hopefully by the end of reading this I have made it a little clearer that in fact it is all in a day’s work. As you go through life, don’t be afraid of hard work because there is so much you can gain and learn and so much that you will miss out on by taking easy the street.

Today is important day, the same day long ago that a boy was born into this world that would end up having a major impact on another boys life and who the boy would grow to be. This young boy was born mid century, in a small west Texas town. A town where hard work could be seen at every corner, with every dollar earned and every dollar spent. A place in time where friendship could be recognized by the wave a stranger gives while passing in the oncoming lane on a quiet dusty road. Respect was given when respect was earned and the process of earning that respect was in itself respected. Throughout the years there would be many historical moments the boy, this young man and soon to be father, would experience and later share with his son. Some would consider some of these experiences not so historical but this is not about the world but a boy who grew into a young man and later a father.

This man is Godly, a patriotic man who fought and sacrificed for his country. This man was extremely intelligent despite his modest upbringing and what others thought he would become. This man showed that loved his wife and was not afraid to express it. He has a funny but different sense of humor and has an ability to carry on a conversation with anyone. He could often be observed showing people appreciation for assisting him in finding this or that at a local store, but what he was really doing was showing them the caring side of his personality. Not necessarly caring that they helped him, but simply and genuinely caring that they were there, meant to cross paths for more than just the mundane reason or chance encounter. Hoping to brighten someone’s day and hoping they would realize their work meant something to someone.

He was fearless. He was protective. He is and always will be my father and your grandfather. His blood is your blood and his name is your name. There will be so many stories that I will tell of you him and none of them will do him justice. He has been a wonderful man and father to me and someone who I can only aspire to be like. It wasn’t until later in life that I realize what all those lessons, all those talks really meant and what it was that he was actually trying to tell me. He was there for me and continues to be, no matter what time of day or what the reason. He has never faulted and while this seem like obvious traits a father would have, it is often taken for granted and some where along the road from the time he was a boy to now, a lot of these traits have faded from fatherhood.

When I look back at my childhood, there are many great moments and those moments often are of my father.He didn’t play catch with me much and didn’t watch sports with me much but oh how he replaced it with things better. He taught me about music, good music, music that took you places, made you think, music that I will share with you someday. He tought me about cars, planes, science, space, history, America. He taught me hard work, taught me patience, taught me about people and trust, respect. Taught me character judgement. Most importantly he taught me about God and through all things God is there and that he has an unshakeable plan. He demonstrated love and laughter, he demonstrated tough love and discipline. He showed sorrow at times, sadness at others and things that are worth getting angry over.

I will miss him! I will miss the love he has shown me despite the times that I didn’t deserve it and the best way that I can honor him is to be father that he would have me to be to you. I hope I lead by his example, that I provide for you a balanced home where laughter and love are just as abundant as learning and discipline. Sure I won’t be perfect and neither was my father. He has faults,made mistakes, and has regrets, which why I love him more. I learned a lot from my father, as I hope you can tell, many of the same, I hope to pass along to you. I just hope I do a good a job as he did.

I have been intending on writing this for a while now, but you have required my attention, my thoughts and my love, so I was delayed in getting this written. I thought it fitting that I write it today of all days as today is his birthday and a day that we shared a good laugh and created a memory, perhaps at the time without even know it. Your mother and I were out-of-town for the weekend and I had called to tell him happy birthday. In the course of the conversation he mention that he had purchased a new scope for his rifle and how he was looking forward to going to the range and trying it out. He clearly was confident in the skills this new scope would bring him as he boasted how he would soon be ready to shoot the wings off a fly at 500 yards. But first he must begin by shooting flys of sugar cubes and to one-up himself by saying after demonstrating these impressive examples of marksman ship, he would then let me shoot my rifle while he then would proceed to shoot my bullet out of the air. Still makes me laugh thinking about it. Sure it is probably one of things ‘ you must have been there’ to get the full effect, and I have to say I am glad I was there for all of it.

Even though he may never read this, it just doesn’t seem fitting to end without saying I love you dad!

When I first began this post you were just about two weeks old. As I am coming back to finish it you are almost three. Clearly the minutes have been devoured by tasks and obligations. Looking back, so much has happened in the last three weeks and to begin, the fact that you are here is truly a miracle. God’s blessing is what brought you into your mom and I’s life and we are so thankful for that blessing. The process God put in place for how life begins is awe inspiring and having a front row seat for how you enter the world has left me searching for words that are appropriate and that adequately communicates the complexity of the emotions that are experienced when bringing a living, breathing, 7 pound 14 ounce human being into the world. I initially thought this post would be used to express a lesson but I think at this point in time it would be good to just type a few words that sum up the last three weeks.

In life there are many events that we all experience and those events collectively help us relate to one another as a race. So over the course of the last several years I have heard countless people tell me that witnessing the birth of your own child is one of the most amazing thing you will ever see. After being in the same room with the person you have chosen to spend the rest of your life with and mutually agreed to share experiences that dramatically impact each of your lives, witnessing your first born is something that few events can even compare to. Being there, next to your mom as she cried through the pain yet staying focused through each contraction, was a side that I had never seen. Watching her demonstrate such determination and will to bring you into this world was deeply emotional and something that she and I will forget. It was moments of laughter, tears, pain, and endless amounts of love.  In those moments that led into hours, our relationship had reach a level I had never expected in a place that I never anticipated. We found a different type of respect and belonging to one another because we knew that neither one of us could have done it with out the other, nor would we have wanted to.

Seeing your first born for the first time, leaves you speechless, which can be awkward since you feel like you should be saying something, yet nothing comes to mind to describe it. You were beautiful from the moment you were born, and this is not just because your dad says so but the mere fact that everyone who came by to see you had the same reaction when their eyes caught a glimpse of you. Nurses, doctors, friends and family, loved ones and people that would only see you for a few moments out of their entire life who had obligation to be complimentary. As you get older it will be important for you to remember that you are a beautiful girl, that shouldn’t need confirmation from anyone other than yourself. Of course your mom and I and those that love  you will always be here to tell you that you are, there will be times that you doubt it or that you think we are just saying it to make you feel better for some reason. But as you read this 12-15 years from now, you’ll come to realize that is not the case, it is because you truly are.

I had this feeling that I was so proud of you and the little girl that you would become, and the woman you would grow into, as if God gave me a little insight into the future. Hard to explain, I know. Holding you for the first time was something I saved just for you. As your mom will confirm, I don’t hold newborns, sure, partly because they seem fragile, but also because I wanted to save that for just the two of us. To share a moment and a first for both of us was something I will always think about.

It has certainly been an adjustment with a third person being in the house. Someone to look after, someone that needs your attention and while you can’t verbally communicate it, someone that needs you to be there for them. Your mom and I have a limited amount of time on this earth and of that time, a limited amount that  you will be dependent on us for everything. We are so happy to be your provider, to help satisfy all your basic needs and watch you grow. We’ll be balancing many things, sometimes all at once, but we want you to know that you are our first priority. We have worked well over the last several weeks to make sure you have what you need and that you are happy and healthy. You won’t always be happy with us but in the end, I think  you’ll look back and know that we loved you by the way we cared for you.

It is unbelievable that we are already three weeks into your life and the changes that we have seen in you. You are eating more, sleeping a bit less, crying louder, and moving more. Your hair is thinning a bit but your eyes are slowly changing colors. I am excited that you are here and excited to share so much with you. You are a special baby and a special person, your my daughter. Welcome home, welcome to life.

:Intentions:

We begin each day with Intentions. These Intentions my be good-natured, such as the Intentions to reach a goal, to try new things, complete an assignment, be a better human, have a more positive outlook, or overcome a fear. Other Intentions aren’t so good, but we’ll have time to reflect on these during the weeks, months and years to come. Some Intentions are conscious while others begin as small blinks of thoughts that manifest into action that continues to fuel a burning desire to see it through. Completed.  It is my Intention that this be simply a place that you can find advice, comfort and love from someone who has come before you. Sure there will be challenges and obstacles that I won’t fully understand, you can be rest assured that I sought the expertise of those that love you very much.

It is my Intention to be here for you each and every day of your life.

I am beginning this before you have taken your first steps, before your first breath and it is my Intention for this to develop into a collection of thoughts that will help guide you through life. Make no mistake, I am no scholar, no philosopher, no poet, far from a writer, and on many occasions been accused of not thinking at all. You will eventually find out that I don’t know everything, that I don’t have all the answers, and that I, just like everyone you will meet, am not perfect. I am just a father, your father, like many in this world that want the best for their daughter.

In a week or so from now you will be born into a family that loves and cares about you deeply, to two people who have thought about your arrival long before you were conceived. One day you’ll understand (you are going to hear that a lot from now on) what we have looked forward to the last nine months. So it is my Intention to see this through, to consistently provide you with my thoughts and perspective on many things. God, life, death, politics, relationships, ice cream, classic movies, patriotism, money and any other topics I think may be of some help. Sure there we’ll some deep thoughts express here, but it’s my Intention to make you laugh as well and more importantly think for a few moments, (that will be important for you to remember in your teen years), and ultimately walk away knowing that I love you. My Intention is to capture all the good that life can show you if you are willing to look for it but also make you aware of the certain evil that exists in those not so good Intentions.  I will do my best to capture all the good times so your children and your children’s children will know the life you had and where you experienced the love that was the basis for the love you’ll pass along to them.  With the good also comes the not so good, the times where I will in doubly demonstrate my fatherly authority and throughout this process capture both of our experiences and perspectives.

It is my whole-hearted Intention to be here each and every day for you. However, something you will come to learn and understand is that while one my have the best Intentions, life has unpredictable variables that impact the end results of one’s Intentions. So if this is my first and last thought I share with you, I hope that you’ll think I succeeded, succeeded in giving you a glimps of your father and knowing that I love you.